hellooo wonderful amazing swagalicious sugarplumbblondielovers.
i hope you're having the best day!
lately i have been sooo busy and i know that i've been neglecting you. sorry! but i'm here to talk about that a bit. Without revealing too many specifics about my life -- gotta stay anonymous out here -- I'm going to open up a tad!
so basically.. im a full-time student taking 5 classes. I'm a junior and my school is literallly like 3000+ miles away from my home. its very nerdy and technical, and i am nottt a technical baddie by any means. math? 2+2 thxxx ofc! science? mixology is a science right? jk. thank you next. I ended up here purely based on vibes. It was one of two colleges I applied to, and I honestly only decided to go here because my boyfriend wanted to go here too so I followed... left that out of my college apps though!
Now that I've been here for three years, I have so much to reflect on.
First-- absolutely insane the way I just left everything I knew and loved and came to this random state and school. Props to my parents for supporting my decision. I was 17 when I came here and my brain is still not fully developed but looking back I'm like wow thats insane actually.
My first year at school was pretty awful. I didn't have any friends, and I barely ever got out tbh. I go to a predominantly male school so it's already hard to connect, but it also means that some girls (no shade to them but also definitley shade to them) came here purely because of the male attention (not exaggerating btw) and don't gaf about real female friendships. I had 3 roommates my first year and one of them lowkey hated me, another barely spoke to me and I always felt so iced out, and the other one was nice but pretty boyfriend-centered and so I never really got to hang with her one-on-one except for when we brushed our teeth at the same time. Also, I don't wanna seem like im just blaming them for the lack of connection. I definitley take a while to warm up to people, so maybe I came off as weird or awkward. But I wish they would have tried a little harder, you know? I became friends with one of my roomate's old friends and he told me that she would tell all her friends that I was too girly for her to get along with. Literally what does that mean. Whatevs, hope shes doing well these days but like ick, ugh. I didn't enjoy all the smelly (literally, like cs major smelly) boys you brought into the room but never said anything to anyone. Except for now hahah. Feels good. The best part about my first year was that I got a job on campus and it was a lot of fun and led me to so many opportunities I have today. my english professor recommended me actually, shoutout mr H. I started the second semester and still work there today! It's in the arts department, which is very small lol but I get to do a lot of marketing and events and fun things. Plus, we have a research project going on that I really enjoy and looks great on a resume😛
My second year, now that I'm thinking about it, actually flew by-- I don't really even remember anything from it tbh. Basically, I kept working with my student job in the arts, and also started as a TA for chemistry and another science class. I was working a lottt and thought it was crazy at the time that I had 3 separate positions on campus, ha, wait until I find out about current me. I got a little depressed that year, and overworked. I missed home (still do) and had a hard time balancing things. I moved out with my boyfriend before the year started, so at least I was off campus, but new problems came. If anyone tells you living with their s/o is easy, they've gotta be lying. Or maybe my relationship was just different idk. Can't go in much detail here-- im anonymous but what if im not iykwim. But it was rough. I made some friends though kinda, which was nice. Just like 2, and we aren't super close or anything, but it felt good to like have someone to wave to in the hallways, if you get what I mean. I think last year was when i realized just how far I moved away, like I gained conciousness and was like oh! my family, my friends, none of them are here and none of them are coming. Like literally I made this bed, and now I have to lay in it, kinda thing. So after being depressed about it and debating whether to call it quits and go home or stick it out, ((ooh maybe im gonna make a post about this because lowkey this is a first for me like not quitting at something thats hard)) I decided to make the most out of my next couple of years here and really try to get something out of this experience. Well, I say that, but really my mindset is that im kind of just vibing, i dont care about being the best or most popular, or anything like that. I'm just chilling, you know?
And that brings us to the present: Junior year
I work for 3 departments at school, and for a very popular shopping app (🙈). I am on the student council board, and I've made some greattt girlfriends this year. And the craziest part? I literallyyy didn't ask for any of them. For my jobs, professors who noticed me in class asked if I would be interested. And same for friends pretty much. And I've just been saying yes to everything!
Now, lemme tell you, I am not an on-top-of-things kinda girl. But everyone seems to think I am! i think its just because i look confident and unbothered, but lemme tell you on the inside i ammmmm stresssssssed! Hence, why I abandon my blog for days/weeks sometimes and am an emotional mess a lot! But it's been a learning experience for me.
I don't wanna say that you guys shouldn't care or try or anything. Just that for me, sometimes I care and try too much, too hard, and it just never ever works out the way I dreamed up in my head. I lowered my expectations of life and all that it brings, and it's brought so much more than I could have imagined. isn't that funny?
I still miss home every day. You can ask my mom, I call her alllllll the time. Lowkey about to call her now. But I'm doing better and I'm not just letting my negativity keep me from living my life. You know?
The greatest things come when you least expect them!
End, tedtalk.
love you!
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